Now hopefully, from this, I would of learnt a lesson and this can be a reminder to myself.
I never try and prejudge things, interactions with people. I feel everyone should have an open chance and I should never prevent things from happening based on previous experiences with other people. I guess it could my own principle. But one thing that never changes; getting hurt. Overexposing yourself, showing your vulnerable to someone so they can rip you up.
I always tell myself that I won’t do it in future, I’ll hold back, but on this occasion it was an exception. And exception that ignited from intergration. And even though it is far down the line, the pattern happened again. The same feeling of shock and breathlessness strikes again.
I feel like my head is racing, searching for a solution. But my hands feel numb, ish: I don’t like this feeling but it feels comforting as lately it has been pretty common.
I have felt, for a while, that things have been falling the wrong side of a bell-curve. I want 2-3months ago back, because the feelings definitely felt present, but I guess that was just a rose-tinted haze; I’ve been sobering up for the past couple of months.
I don’t know what I should do. Ignore it, accept it or walk away from it.
I just want you to feel the same again, to care about me again; for me to be special again.
For fucks sake, Samuel…
It has been a while since my last blog. Last time I was wrapped up in the A level struggle: the pain and strain of trying to do well.
However, with everything over and done with (and im sure I shall endure writing a blog about the ‘in-between’) I am going to University in 10 days! I am both nervous and excited tremendously.
My intentions are to blog when I am there, especially more frequently at the start as I settle in and everything, with pictures too! Additionally, I may blog pre-uni once or twice. Maybe a two-parter? I am not entirely sure yet, but as I don’t have much to do other than work my part-time job, say goodbye to long term friends (more so a ‘See you soon’, I hope) and kill time until the day I move. The day I venture into the world of being a self-sustained young adult. Scary.
Until next time
“How could we… when did we forget where we came from?” // https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcNdZdHLOF4
So the past month has been exams month, yipee. The constant battle between student and exam board; blood, sweat and tears for those crucial marks for University and the constant cursing against Gove. Bloody Gove.
After each day, each exam, I feel less happy, less confident. Up until the exams I felt like I was in good stead, I felt I had the wind behind me and I was on track to get the grades I need/want. But that has just dropped off and I’m finding it difficult to continue, but I have to.
I definitely feel the most stressed out of my friends, I’m a wreck. I’ve thrown up three times between two exams, it could be nerves, stress or heat, whatever it is, it is not good. I see a lot of my friends who say they’re stressed but go in the exam fine, and walk out feeling average. They’re the kind of people that are set for Uni. I am not.
I can’t help looking at the evidence, last year I got less than average grades, lower than what I need to get. Sure I did some retakes and hopefully that increases things, but it mades me upset hearing some people say “Oh yeah I need around 60% UMS to get an A grade, or I need to average D’s to get the grade I need” because of their AS success. The past two years have been an uphill climb and I don’t think I have been climbing long enough to mold myself into a student that is capable and deserving of achieving some high grades.
And to think last week I actually thought I could go to Nottingham.
After each exam, Uni seems less likely. Maybe I should just accept that I am not an A, B grade student. A levels are hard, some people have the ability, some don’t. Should just accept I am not as intelligent as I like to think, I’m not stupid but not smart enough, clearly. Should just accept I’ve been dealt a shit deck in life and work with it. The problem is, I have never, EVER, considered anything other than some sort of Chemistry related degree. But if getting into to Uni is this unlikely, this stressful and this hard it begs the question whether I can do the actual degree.
Now some people say Uni is different. University success is based on your passion, your drive and your commitment to the subject. You can’t do well in a degree if you don’t love the subject, whereas you can hate your a levels and still get an A. I don’t think you’re judged on how you perform in a 2 hour slot but the assessed work you hand in over the year and so on.
The thing is, I’m good at my coursework, I don’t understand. In both pieces of my physics courseworks I got an A and A*, and for my Chemistry coursework I also got an A*. Does that suggest I have the ability, the commitment? Or does that show that you can get a decent coursework grade by just spending enough time on it?
On results day, I’m not sure how to handle it. If I don’t get into UoN or Loughborough I’m not sure if I am going to bother with clearing or a third year. Might just try and find a job or an apprenticeship. It would suck but its a job, right? I want nothing more than to leave Basingstoke, grow up and make some great memories and do something with my passion, but sometimes we can’t get what we want, can we?
Sadly, last month, I actually felt reasonably prepared, intelligent and confident. I will not accept that I am a capable person until I actually achieve because it’ll be evidence of me deciding I want to do something and achieving it. Until them I am averagely crap, as shown from last years AS results.
Please, please, please, let me get what I want, lord knows it would be the first time.
At this moment in my life, I like to consider I have three main people who contribute differently to my personality. In their own ways, they have made me a better person. They both give and take from me different things. And, in this blog I intend to dedicate a paragraph (or two) to each person. I’d just like to note, all of my friends are important to me, but it would take too long to write about each of them, obviously.
So these three, are like the legs of a stool that is my personality.
First of all, I would not be the socially-acceptable, confident (ish) person without my a certain chap, Ry. Sometimes I have to consider if I would be still here without some of the times he’s stepped in a slapped (literally) some sense into me. He’s like the brother to me, we’ve seen each other at our worst and we’ve both always been there to drag each other out of it.
“Stop being a c*nt, you c*nt”
One of my favourite things about him is how he won’t be afraid to talk his mind. He doesn’t give a crap who you are, but normally if you’re closer to him, he’ll speak his mind more. Everyone needs a person who won’t give them the lies they want, but the truth they need.
Also, I don’t think I would like half the music I like right now if it wasn’t for him dragging me too gigs. More than half of them I’ve gone to with that scruffy lad.
There’s a lot more I could say about him and even more hilarious stories about us. But it’ll take too long and it’ll just give away all the good stuff that could be saved for future posts. But frankly, he’s my best pal and even when I go to Uni I hope he knows I’m not going anywhere.
The next person, is quite simply confusing. And I say that with some sort of affection. Basically she’s Wong, but not the WONG person to talk to. She doesn’t mind my subtle stereotyping, and I hope she knows I mean it in an adorable way, not a rude way. I guess you can say is that if you’re a good friend of mine I will make fun of you and give you many chances to do the same back.
I’ve known her the least out of these three people, but yet she contributes a lot to how I am. Sometimes she makes me so frustrated by commenting on my lack of grammar, the way I type on the keyboard or the infrequence in my replies. I actually remember her reporting to me every detail of a date she was on and it was brilliant. I don’t think I could find a string of texts so amusing.
She’s quite a cute person, but nonetheless she is brilliant in her own right. Despite her passion for Biology, I can still tolerate her due to her love for Chemistry (and our mutual distrust of maths exams). I don’t fully know how we clicked as we did, nor how at around the start of the year she got my attention as she did. I do know, that I am glad that we started talking and how we find it impossible to run out of things to talk about. As with the other people I am writing about, I find it impossible to get annoyed at her, she only has to poke fun at me when I’m annoyed for me to laugh and you can’t really be seriously annoyed at someone when you’re trying not to laugh.
I hope she doesn’t get bored of my crap, or just run off or decide she prefers Biology to Chemistry.
“Are you going to actually use my name?”
“But why? My name is Sam!”
“No, you’re Kemp.”
The last person, of this post is not the worst. She’s ginger, so that’s something. She forced me to appreciate maths, she slates Chemistry and introduced me to The Smiths. (Best. Life-choice. Ever.)
I’ve known her a little less longer than Ry, but over the times she’s become increasingly important to myself. She’s insanely intelligent and Cambridge bound (which I think I’m sometimes more excited than she is). Academically, she’s given me some of the best advice how to slog on with studying. Boosted my confidence with college and was genuinely one of the few people who believed I could get as far as I am now. A lot of the time, I consider if she wasn’t around to convince me to push on with the notion of Uni.
“Next years going to be weird, we’ve only just come to college and we’re leaving soon, you’ll be going to Cambridge and I might be going to Nottingham.”
“Nope, you will.”
Oddly, we seem to believe in each other more than ourselves on occasion. Which is a good thing, I’ve had break downs about not feeling ‘college enough’ for my exams and she’s done the same. So far, we have not failed on the path to our destinations. I am confident she won’t either. We are ultimately, the best procrastinators and pessimists.
I think also, she has introduced evenly biased opinions of religion. She has never (like some other people I know) tried to force her religious opinions onto me, but simply suggested an alternative way of thinking about the subject. I like to understand things from different angles where possible and I do. I am not at all religious, but it would be stupid to ignore other peoples opinions because they do not match yours.
I am fully appreciative of her existence for many reasons, allowing me to vent academic frustration, discuss non-religion vs religion and just fan girl/boy over Steven Morrissey, Johnny Marr, Andy Rouke and Mike Joyce!
I guess that ends that, I have written a lot but frankly it is the tip of the iceberg. Each person contributes to my life differently, as I said. And in their ways they are truly awesome and what not. I sincerely hope that they don’t go anywhere for a while.
I think something to finally note that friends are really important. Surrounding yourself with happy, strong and positive people defines a happy, strong and positive person.
Until next time.
Going back to college is always a struggle, always. It is not aided by spring chills and intermittent rain that makes the days seem more dark and dull than they need to be. Due to the amount of work I achieved over the easter ‘break’, I have no struggled to get back into the flow of college. It doesn’t feel like we’ve gone back to college as the general tone in my lessons are still “Exams are coming” as if OCR and AQA were descending upon Westeros.
How about you? How are you dealing with things, reader? Oh, excuse the rhetoric as I thought it would be polite to at least ask the question knowing full-well a reply is impossible as I write this. Hmm.
Last year I was in a different mind-set as I am this year. I was more depressed and academically-frustrated, torn on the idea of continuing with the route of university. I think something that is spurring me on is my performance in lessons is uptaining a solid A/A* level – Hopefully I can carry and demostrate that in exams! – and the fact of actually going to University is a reality. I have applied, recieved my offers, (allbeit slightly a stretch) replied to them, made my choices, applied for finance, recieved finance back, applied for accommodation and as of today recieved my offer of accommodation and accepted it. All that is left to do now is actually get the grades, the hard part.
It is scary to think that simple me who last January had no sign of achieving A levels let alone getting them to a standard to go to University, no sign of getting any successful offers. Up until now, I’ve kind of being going against the odds. I was advised by two members of my colleges UCAS team to not apply to Southampton or Nottingham as they will not offer me a place.
But I guess I was just as suprised as they were.
In a 3-4 month gap I closed 4 grades. All that is left to do is close a single grade in Maths and Physics and then two grades in Chemistry. I need to achieve ABB in my coming exams (A in Chemistry) and frankly, I’m 70% sure I can do it. Sure I should aim to be 100% confident, a lot of success is driven in the mind. It could be possible a positive mind-set will enhance concentration and focus, unlocking the ability to solve that differential equation that makes the person marking my paper to sqee with happiness! I will explain in what direction a current carrying wire in a magnetic field perpendicular to the currents direction and draw the correct product when a benzene ring is reacted with aluminium(III) chloride and chlorine gas and standard conditions!
Yes in reality I can get the questions right and the examier wont bat an eyelid, but still.
I’m feeling moderately confident, like I have built up some good momentium (p=mv 😉 ). More so I am getting motivated, the constant reminder that I’ve actually got a place waiting for me at Nottingham is helpful from the reminders I get from them. Watching videos of the Uni or seeing pictures of the campus also helps. The good organisation and being able to look back and see that I’m actually doing something and seeing positive results just leads me on to strive to keep it up.
But with all that, there is the shard of doubt. The glimmer of despair that reminds me of last years exam results of being average and mark missing. The thought that thinks “Well shit, maybe I’m just not the right kind of student”. But I think, everyone, everyone who has attempted something has had the same thoughts, and thats when it divides the winners and the losers. Those that ignore those thoughts and push on with rational thoughts and evidence suggesting success, or those that sit in pity and watch everyone else strive on.
I am so close, maybe too close, to getting where I want to be. And I’m not prepared to just give it up. I will pass my exams, and so will anyone else reading this who has some to come to. Do not think you’re going to fail because you don’t know that, so thinking it won’t change fate but could make you panic more. Panicking then could have a detrimental effect.
Too finish, here is some ‘tips’ that I feel are positive to someone with handling their exam stress and keeping a positive healthy mindset:
DON’T PANIC. YOU. WILL. PASS.
So thats all, bye!
“The Spanish Sahara, the place that you’d wanna leave the horror here.”
Oh humph, what is this relic of a blog?
Yes, I’ve decided to dust it off and re-ramble once more. As I did around this time last year, I am going to use this to log my progression towards my approaching exams and over the course of my summer. Lets jump in?
Well thats the thing, I don’t think I need to log anything just yet. This is just the prep stages. I guess I could blog what i’ve been up to? Maybe.
Well the blog went because it slowly decayed in some tragic representation of a particularly shit time in my life. Being seperated, being dicked around and treated like crap and it was a waste. However, I don’t feel the need to project my personal sadness anymore, if anything, it will just be the academic strain of trying to get into my offered place at the University of Nottingham.
I’ve started my revision in late Jan, small bits and bobs really. Its only since the middle of March I started my actual focused revision. At the moment, it is going reasonably well, I hope. I did past papers to highlight areas of struggle. I feel I am progressing well towards them and upon testing myself, out of all the module exams my worst score was 67%. Its average, but far better than my position last year. My first exam is the 19th of May, but it is a first year exam, no stress. My first A2 exam is the 9th of June, Chemistry F334.
Currently I am in my easter holiday, however calling it a holiday is an overexaggeration. It is definitely a break from timetabled lessons, but I have spent each day (apart from weekends) in the college library from 10 till 4. The focused revision is really working. I feel like I am making good steps towards good grades. I am trying to wrap my studies into my life more so they feel less of a chore but just something I do.
Today was shocking, however. I got to the lib at around 9:30am. I studied vectors in three-dimensions (and made some rather good progress with them) until 11 where I then had a driving lesson at 11:30. Coming back after buying lunch at 1:30pm I sat back down and half half an hour I could not get focused. Not at all. I continued some vectors work and answered some early past paper exam questions well. Come 3pm I had written a page on DNA and left in anger at not being able to focus.
I’m just going to write the day off.
Tonight i’m going to sleep early, get up early tomorrow and slog out the work I missed today and the work I have to do tomorrow.
On the agenda:
DNA and RNA revision, Moments Mechanics work, Particle Physics revision, a Mechanics 1 past paper and exact values of volume of revolutions revision for Core 3 maths. Should keep me busy over the day as it is the last day the Lib is upon until the return of college. Of which I am actually sort of excited, the structured lessons make me feel like I’m wasting less time.
I think that sums up my life right now, in terms of music i’ve fallen in love with Thin Lizzy again, and i’ve been listening to the Smiths over and over again (again). ‘These Things Take Time’ speaks true words when tackling an intergral that involves a partial fraction!
“I’m spellbound, but the woman divides. And the hills are alive with celibate cries. But you know where you came from and you know where you’re going and you know where you belong. You said I was ill and you were not wrong”
Recently. England has been having brilliant weather. Don’t get me wrong, 32degrees is lush. But for us Brits, maybe it’s ‘too’ lush.
Now the typical British thing in said weather is to complain. Complain about how hot it is. However when it’s rainy, we complain about how bad the weather is. But I will try to restrain from doing this.
When outside, today’s weather was really nice, I had a nice cold bottle of water and I spent the day laying around with my friends at our local field. It was brilliant, with the odd occasional breeze, the air was not too still, but you still would get the slight perspiration from just walking. Even worse when you’re cycling like myself, disgusting.
But when I got home, to greet family who have visited for my sisters birthday. (Just turned double digits, exciting!) The weather didn’t change, but when it got darker, family left and I had moved in to my room, it got worse.
Sitting in front of a computer screen is not fun. As we know, heat rises, and being in the top floor is not nice. Windows fully open, door open to allow circulation did not help.
So for the past two, three hours; I’ve sat here melting, if not wilting as a un-watered pot plant. I feel really slumped and tired writing this and my eyes are almost shut. So after this, I will go reward myself to a cold drink, and some shut eye.
Tonight, I can predict will be hell. Especially how I can’t sleep on my duvet, I just can’t. I’ll have to sleep half-under tonight, and awake in hopefully a less oven like room.
Thanks for reading, until tomorrow.
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