I’m not happy and I’m not sad (Correction, I am sad.)
So the past month has been exams month, yipee. The constant battle between student and exam board; blood, sweat and tears for those crucial marks for University and the constant cursing against Gove. Bloody Gove.
After each day, each exam, I feel less happy, less confident. Up until the exams I felt like I was in good stead, I felt I had the wind behind me and I was on track to get the grades I need/want. But that has just dropped off and I’m finding it difficult to continue, but I have to.
I definitely feel the most stressed out of my friends, I’m a wreck. I’ve thrown up three times between two exams, it could be nerves, stress or heat, whatever it is, it is not good. I see a lot of my friends who say they’re stressed but go in the exam fine, and walk out feeling average. They’re the kind of people that are set for Uni. I am not.
I can’t help looking at the evidence, last year I got less than average grades, lower than what I need to get. Sure I did some retakes and hopefully that increases things, but it mades me upset hearing some people say “Oh yeah I need around 60% UMS to get an A grade, or I need to average D’s to get the grade I need” because of their AS success. The past two years have been an uphill climb and I don’t think I have been climbing long enough to mold myself into a student that is capable and deserving of achieving some high grades.
And to think last week I actually thought I could go to Nottingham.
After each exam, Uni seems less likely. Maybe I should just accept that I am not an A, B grade student. A levels are hard, some people have the ability, some don’t. Should just accept I am not as intelligent as I like to think, I’m not stupid but not smart enough, clearly. Should just accept I’ve been dealt a shit deck in life and work with it. The problem is, I have never, EVER, considered anything other than some sort of Chemistry related degree. But if getting into to Uni is this unlikely, this stressful and this hard it begs the question whether I can do the actual degree.
Now some people say Uni is different. University success is based on your passion, your drive and your commitment to the subject. You can’t do well in a degree if you don’t love the subject, whereas you can hate your a levels and still get an A. I don’t think you’re judged on how you perform in a 2 hour slot but the assessed work you hand in over the year and so on.
The thing is, I’m good at my coursework, I don’t understand. In both pieces of my physics courseworks I got an A and A*, and for my Chemistry coursework I also got an A*. Does that suggest I have the ability, the commitment? Or does that show that you can get a decent coursework grade by just spending enough time on it?
On results day, I’m not sure how to handle it. If I don’t get into UoN or Loughborough I’m not sure if I am going to bother with clearing or a third year. Might just try and find a job or an apprenticeship. It would suck but its a job, right? I want nothing more than to leave Basingstoke, grow up and make some great memories and do something with my passion, but sometimes we can’t get what we want, can we?
Sadly, last month, I actually felt reasonably prepared, intelligent and confident. I will not accept that I am a capable person until I actually achieve because it’ll be evidence of me deciding I want to do something and achieving it. Until them I am averagely crap, as shown from last years AS results.
Please, please, please, let me get what I want, lord knows it would be the first time.